Gottman Method
It can feel like twelve arguments. Often it is one argument, on repeat.
Research-based couples work with structure: assessment first, then the cycle, then repair. Gottman Level 1 trained.
What It Is
In plain language
Most couples who come in can recite their fight from memory. Same opening, same escalation, same two lines near the end, same silence afterward. They are not confused about the content. They are exhausted by the fact that knowing the script has never once changed the ending.
The Gottman Method is useful here because it is structured and it starts with assessment rather than opinion. I am Gottman Level 1 trained, and I use it most often for couples who want a clear picture of what is actually happening between them before anyone starts trying to fix it. It works alongside EFIT Level 1 rather than in competition with it: Gottman gives us the map and the mechanics, EFIT Level 1 gets underneath to the attachment need driving the whole thing.
The method comes out of decades of observational research on couples, which is the part I find most useful clinically. It is not built on a theory of what should work. It is built on watching what distinguishes couples who stay connected from couples who do not, and the differences turn out to be smaller and more ordinary than people expect.
The best known piece is the four horsemen, four communication habits that reliably predict trouble. Criticism, which is an attack on the person rather than a complaint about the behavior. Contempt, which is criticism with an added layer of superiority, and the most corrosive of the four. Defensiveness, which is a counterattack wearing an explanation. Stonewalling, which is what happens when someone is so flooded that they go blank and leave the conversation while still in the room.
The other half is repair, and it is the part that actually decides outcomes. Every couple does the horsemen sometimes. The couples who do well are the ones who can interrupt themselves mid-slide: a hand on an arm, a joke that lands, a plain sentence like let me start that again. Think of it less like never falling and more like learning to catch yourself two steps down rather than at the bottom of the stairs.
At a Glance
- Shelley Davidescu, LMFT, 17 years in practice
- In person in Bankers Hill, San Diego
- Telehealth Monday through Friday across California
- Free 15-minute consultation
Individual sessions are $210, or $325 for 90 minutes. Couples sessions are $225, or $345 for 90 minutes.
All of my methodsIn a Session
What this actually involves
Step through it. This is the shape of the work, not a script we follow line by line.
The first sessions include time together and time with each of you individually, plus questionnaires. I want the history, the strengths, the recurring conflicts and the areas where you are further apart than either of you has said out loud.
Fit
Best for, and not for
Worth knowing before you book, so neither of us spends four sessions finding out.
Best For
- Couples stuck in one recurring argument that always ends the same way
- Partners who want structure, assessment and clear feedback rather than open-ended conversation
- Couples where one person shuts down and the other pursues, and both are worn out by it
- People rebuilding ordinary connection after a long stretch of logistics, work pressure or distance
Not For
- If there is ongoing intimate partner violence or coercion, joint sessions are not appropriate and I will help you find the right specialized support
- If one partner has already made a private decision to leave and wants therapy to soften the announcement, we would need to name that first, because the work does not function under that condition
If you are in crisis, call or text 988. If I am not the right clinician for what you are carrying, I will say so and help you find someone who is.
How I Use It
Where this sits in the rest of the work
I rarely run Gottman as a pure protocol. The structure and the assessment are what I use it for, and then EFIT Level 1 usually does the emotional work underneath. Knowing that you criticize and your partner stonewalls is genuinely useful. It does not, on its own, tell you why the criticism arrives, and for most couples the answer is a bid for reassurance that has never landed cleanly. Gottman shows the mechanism, EFIT Level 1 gets to the need.
Individual histories show up in couples work constantly, and I pay attention to them. If one partner floods within thirty seconds of raised voices, that is often older than this relationship. Sometimes that is worth addressing in individual therapy, occasionally with EMDR, with a different clinician if it is better kept separate. Couples sessions are $225, or $345 for 90 minutes, and the longer format is often worth it during assessment.
Questions
Answered plainly
Anything not covered here is worth asking on the free 15-minute consult.
Are you a certified Gottman therapist?
I am Gottman Level 1 trained. I use the method's structure and assessment approach in my couples work, and I do not claim a higher certification level than I hold.
Do we both have to come every time?
Mostly yes, once the assessment is done. The early phase includes individual sessions with each of you, which are part of the assessment rather than separate therapy.
What if we fight in session?
Good. That is the material. What I will do is slow it down and stop it at the useful moments, which is different from letting it run the way it does at home.
Do you take sides?
Not between you. I will be direct with both of you about what I see, and that means each of you will hear something uncomfortable at some point. What I am on the side of is the two of you having an accurate picture.
Can couples therapy happen over telehealth?
Yes, and it works well as long as you are both in California and can be somewhere private. Many couples do a mix: telehealth on weekdays, in person occasionally.
Free 15-Minute Consult
Fifteen minutes to find out whether this is the right work.
Tell me what is actually going on. I will tell you honestly how I would approach it, and whether I am the right person for it.
In person in San Diego, and by telehealth across California.