Couples Therapy
It can feel like ten different arguments. Often, it is the same one, on repeat.
Gottman and EFIT Level 1 informed couples work for partners caught in blame, defensiveness or silence. In person in San Diego and online across California.
The Cycle
What is really happening in the argument
Select whichever line is closest to your last bad week. Each one opens into how I would work with it.
The argument is never actually about the dishes.Open
Content is the surface. Underneath is usually a question, do I matter to you, am I safe with you, will you turn toward me. We work at that level, which is why the dishes stop being a weekly event.
One of you pushes for resolution. The other goes quiet.Open
This is the most common cycle there is. The pursuit reads as attack, the withdrawal reads as abandonment, and both of you are trying to protect the same relationship in opposite directions.
You can predict the whole fight before it starts.Open
Predictable means patterned, and patterns can be interrupted. We slow one real argument down in session until you can both see the exact moment it turns.
It is polite now, and that feels worse than fighting.Open
Distance can look like peace. When conflict goes underground, so does closeness. We work on getting honest disagreement back before we work on harmony.
Something happened and you never fully got past it.Open
Unrepaired ruptures do not fade, they get filed. Structured repair work lets you address it once, properly, rather than having it surface in every future argument.
Who This Is For
Every configuration of couple is welcome here
Dating, married, cohabiting, separated, and same-sex couples. Newly serious or thirty years in. Considering ending it, or committed and simply worn down.
I work with couples where one or both partners are high-achieving and quietly depleted, where the competence that runs a department does not translate at the kitchen table. I also work with bilingual and bicultural couples.
If anxiety is driving the conflict, start hereCommon Reasons Couples Come In
- Recurring conflict that never resolves
- Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling or contempt
- Emotional distance and loss of closeness
- Rebuilding trust after a rupture
- Navigating a major transition together
- Deciding whether to continue, with clarity rather than exhaustion
$225 standard session · $345 for 90 minutes
The Method
Gottman gives us the mechanics of conflict. EFIT Level 1 gives us what the conflict is protecting.
Gottman Method informed
Trained through Gottman Level 1. Research-based tools for softening how a complaint starts, accepting influence, repairing mid-argument, and rebuilding the everyday friendship that makes conflict survivable.
Emotionally Focused Therapy informed
Trained through EFTI Level 1. Attachment-focused work on the reach and the retreat underneath your cycle, so that the vulnerable thing gets said instead of the defended version of it.
In Session
What couples work actually looks like
Open each card for the detail of how the work unfolds.
First sessionBoth of you talk. I mostly listen and map the cycle.
I want each of your versions, including where they conflict. By the end of the first session you should be able to name your pattern together, often the first time it has had a shape rather than just a feeling.
The middle of the workSlowing down real conflict until it becomes visible.
We use live moments in the room. I will interrupt, ask what just happened in your body, and help you say the more vulnerable version of what you were about to say. This is where the skills actually get built.
Repair and maintenanceHow to come back after it goes badly, because it will sometimes.
Successful couples are not the ones who never rupture; they are the ones who repair reliably. We build a repair process that fits how you two actually communicate.
Questions
Before you book together
Do we have to be married?
No. I work with dating, married, cohabiting and separated couples, and same-sex couples are equally welcome here. What matters is that both people want something to change.
What if one of us is more reluctant?
That is extremely common and not a reason to stay away. A reluctant partner usually has a good reason for the reluctance, and naming it in the first session is often the most useful thing that happens.
Will you take sides?
No. My attention goes to the cycle between you rather than to who is right this week. Both of you should leave feeling that your experience was accurately understood.
Do you do individual sessions within couples work?
Sometimes, when it serves the couple's work. We would agree the structure and the confidentiality arrangements openly before doing it.
How much are couples sessions?
A standard couples session is $225, and a 90-minute session is $345. Many couples prefer the longer format, especially early on when there is a lot to lay out.
Is couples therapy available online?
Yes, Monday through Friday, with both partners physically in California. In-person sessions are available at the San Diego office.
Free 15-Minute Consult
One free call, and you can both be on it.
Fifteen minutes to describe what keeps happening and hear how I would work with the two of you.
In person in San Diego, and by telehealth across California.