Infidelity and Betrayal
You found out, and the ground has not come back yet.
For the person who found out, and for the couple deciding what happens now. Available as individual work or couples work, with no assumption about which ending is right.
Overview
The detective phase is a search for reality, not for pain.
There is the day you found out, and then there is everything measured from it. People describe it in physical terms far more than emotional ones: the floor going, the specific room, the time on the phone screen. Whatever else it is, discovery is a shock to the body, and the first weeks afterward are not a good time to make permanent decisions, though that is exactly when everyone will start asking what you are going to do.
Then comes the phase nobody warns you about. You cannot stop searching. You reread things, you check timelines, you ask questions you already know the answers to and then ask them again. From outside it looks like self-harm. It is not. It is a mind trying to rebuild a version of reality it can trust, because the old one turned out to be wrong, and it cannot rest until the account is complete. That phase has an end, and the work partly consists of getting there without doing more damage on the way.
At a Glance
- Adults and couples, in person in San Diego
- Telehealth Monday through Friday across California
- EMDR certified, Gottman and EFIT Level 1 trained
- Free 15-minute consultation
Individual sessions are $210, or $325 for 90 minutes. Couples sessions are $225, or $345 for 90 minutes.
Full fees and policiesDoes This Sound Familiar?
The specifics, not a symptom list
Open any line to see how I would think about it with you.
Open any line that feels familiar.
The Work
Two formats, no predetermined ending
Individual work after discovery
Sometimes the first need is simply somewhere to put it that is not your friends, your family, or your children. We stabilize, work with the intrusive images, and hold off on the future question until you can think again.
Couples work, Gottman-informed
Betrayal recovery has a structure: atonement, attunement, then attachment. The person who was unfaithful takes responsibility fully and repeatedly before anything else is possible. Skipping that stage is why so many attempts fail.
The question of staying
I do not have a position on whether your relationship should continue and I will not steer it. Some couples rebuild something stronger than what they had, some separate. I will not promise you either outcome. What I can do is make sure the decision is made with clear eyes rather than in the first month of shock.
The Arc
A shape, not a protocol
Everyone moves differently. This is how this particular work usually unfolds here.
Sleep, eating, and getting through a week. We also agree on ground rules if you are living together: what gets discussed, when, and what is off limits at two in the morning.
Questions
Answered plainly
Anything not covered here is worth asking on the free 15-minute consult.
Can we come as a couple if we do not know whether we are staying together?
Yes, and that is where most couples start. Discernment work is legitimate work, and the goal of the early sessions is clarity rather than a commitment in either direction.
Will you tell us whether we should stay together?
No. That decision is yours and I would be overstepping badly. What I will do is make sure both of you understand what happened and what rebuilding would actually require, so the choice is informed.
How long does recovery from infidelity take?
It is typically measured in many months rather than weeks, and it does not move in a straight line. I do not give timelines or guarantees. Anniversary dates and reminders can set things back temporarily, which is expected rather than a sign of failure.
Do you see the partner who was unfaithful individually?
I see individuals on either side of this, though not both members of a couple as individual clients, which creates a conflict. If we are doing couples work, that is the format we stay in.
What if it was emotional rather than physical?
Emotional affairs produce the same betrayal response, and often more confusion, because the person who was hurt feels they have to justify the hurt. The work is the same.
Free 15-Minute Consult
Fifteen minutes to find out whether this is the right work.
Tell me what is actually going on. I will tell you honestly how I would approach it and what to expect.
In person in San Diego, and by telehealth across California.